In law problems

Jaybo374

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I have an inlaw problem.

My wife's brother and his wife- known for the rest of this diatrabe as BILW(brother in law's wife)- moved into my house with my wife, my daughter, my 65 year old mother in law and me in March from Tennessee. My brother in law and I have always gotten along very well, it's his wife that's causing problems in my home.

1. When they called saying that they were moving in, I expected them to bring their two dogs. Not only did she the dogs, but also unbeknowst to me a cat (I have allergies to cat hair) and 8 chickens (my brother in law and I hastily built a coop onto my barn).

2. My mother in law gave them the rooms we built for her years ago. Not 48 hours has gone by without BILW complaining how little space there is here. (They have a custom master bathroom, bedroom and an office)

3. My brother in law works seasonly as a flyfishing guide and is gone for at a minimum two weeks at a time. When he's gone, she hides in her rooms and only comes out for food or to check on her chickens. She does a minimal amount of interacting with us.

4. She grocery shops only for herself and occasionally her husband. When she comes out to eat what we have prepared for supper, she turns her nose up at what we have prepared, puts some on a plate and retreats to her rooms. The rest of us have a sit down supper every night.

5. Whe BILW prepares something to eat, she offers nothing to us, which doesn't really bother me but she does not even bother to offer my impressionable 6 year old. She takes up half of the fridge with her stuff and flips out if anyone eats knowingly or unknowingly her food. My wife and I raise our daughter to always share what she has and I fear that this behavior will confuse her.

6. We she does laundry, she only does her own and it takes two days to do a week's worth. It takes me/my wife two days to wash clothes weekly for the four of us. Instead of setting up her drying rack in her rooms, she puts it in the middle of the kitchen with all of her undergarments - many of which I do not want my daughter to see. I've asked her to move this out of sight, to no avail.

7. My wife and I are modest people. While we have tattoos from our younger, devil-may-care days, and we wear clothing that do not reveal them. Do you think BILW would pick up on this family norm? Nope. She always wears revealing tank tops. I've asked many times to change only to be rebuffed with being called prude and old-fashioned.

8. BILW does nothing to help out around the house. She leaves dirty dishes in the sink for days "soaking" until either my wife or mother in law can not stand it and wash them. She may clean her rooms - I hear vacuuming almost daily - but never offers to clean anywhere else. She does nothing outside that benefits the household. I expect her to pick up her dogs' messes and weed whack their pen. She always "forgets". After a month, I go out there and pick up a month's worth of mess and weed whacks. When I do this, she screams that I am doing this to make her look bad and lazy.

9. BILW does not act like that a small kid lives here. She leaves kitchen knives, opened cat food cans and lids, and bottles of poisonous cleaning agents within my daughter's reach. Whenever I ask her to take care of this stuff, she rolls her eyes, sighs and mutters something to the effect I am being overprotective.

10. They contribute nothing to the household bills. BILW also complains that I do not use the AC enough in the family room and living room and the house in unbearibly hot. She complains when I turn off the lights in rooms that she is not using.

Now I would've tossed BILW and regrettably BIL out but I would pay for this for years. Years ago, my wife and BILW had words resulting in no communication between her and her BIL for three years. The only reason communication started again was because of a death in the family. We're afraid if anyone blows up at BILW, she'll force my brother in law to move and we'll never see nor hear from them for years again. If that happens my wife, daughter, and mother in law would be crushed.

Not really looking for advice, just needed to vent.

Thanks for listening.

Jay
 
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JamesNevans

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It's a tough situation when people impose, I think the best situation is to talk to the person you most care about in the family and that would be your wife.

Explain to her that rather than have you blow up at the ticking timebomb that is the ungratefulness of the bilw ask your wife what she expects the long term goal for her brother and bilw as a living arrangement. Was it supposed to be open ended or was it a temporary situation due to finances? If temporary what is each party doing to work to the goal of independance? If you can live with a temporary inconvenience because a the goal is in sight then I would bite my lip if I were you, and maybe this venting is helping you through this, but if you think they are coasting on your generousity and counting on your graces to not challenge them then I think you need a plan. Ask your wife if she is willing to work with you on this to establish what criteria you need for a better relationship with the in-laws, if you put something down that is reasonable to both of you then you can tell her that any fallout from her brother shows that he is being the unreasonable one even if it's the bilw that may be pulling the strings. See if your wife is just as uncomfortable about the modesty or eating situation as you or whether the main focus should be on the attitude or housekeeping issues, if there are things that really bug her I'm sure she'll be willing to try anything to try to improve the situation.
 

David K.

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I have to agree with your brother in law......just try to get along.....sometimes. Being a good neighbor or in your case good relative...will rub off on the other person.....remember your wife's brother in law...is the stranger and she may not get along well with others and therefore...whenever her husband is not present in the house.....she hides in her corner of the house! Since she and her husband losted their house or the place they rented.....she trying to creat borders ...this is my place....I'll clean it ...the rest is your house and thats your job....this is my food....and that your food. Just continue to be yourself and trie to understand where she's coming from. Good luck! Best regards, David
 

robert326

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It's a tough situation when people impose, I think the best situation is to talk to the person you most care about in the family and that would be your wife.

Explain to her that rather than have you blow up at the ticking timebomb that is the ungratefulness of the bilw ask your wife what she expects the long term goal for her brother and bilw as a living arrangement. Was it supposed to be open ended or was it a temporary situation due to finances? If temporary what is each party doing to work to the goal of independance? If you can live with a temporary inconvenience because a the goal is in sight then I would bite my lip if I were you, and maybe this venting is helping you through this, but if you think they are coasting on your generousity and counting on your graces to not challenge them then I think you need a plan. Ask your wife if she is willing to work with you on this to establish what criteria you need for a better relationship with the in-laws, if you put something down that is reasonable to both of you then you can tell her that any fallout from her brother shows that he is being the unreasonable one even if it's the bilw that may be pulling the strings. See if your wife is just as uncomfortable about the modesty or eating situation as you or whether the main focus should be on the attitude or housekeeping issues, if there are things that really bug her I'm sure she'll be willing to try anything to try to improve the situation.

This looks like the best advice IMO. I think that by communicating (gently/politely), issues can disappear. I wish you and your family the best.
 

rangersfan1982

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Ahh someone who I can somewhat relate to! My in-laws live up the driveway from me and they drive me insane...then again, my wife and her two kisd get on my nerves just as much if not more than her parents do. We are constantly going up to their house to eat and it's a very rare occasion that we have dinner at our own house. I hate going up there to eat because all they do is pick and nag about every little thing they can. I feel trapped when I am here, I haven't seen my family in months and my wife and her entire family could care less how homesick I am. She can pay for two trips a year to go to Disney World, but can't seem to find the time/money to drive 6 hours to see MY family; even though we see hers on a daily basis. I have decided that once this last trip to Disney is over in a couple of weeks, I am moving back to Texas by myself. I shouldn't have to fight to see my own family/friends. It's not fair to me when she gets to see hers all the time and I hardly ever do...so, back to Texas I go...not soon enough.....

Sorry not really any advice but seems like we are both frustrated, lol.
 

quambomb

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man that is tough. I'm a college guy and my roomates always get on my nerves. Its tough, but open communication is the best way to handle the situation. This is obviously gonna be hard considering BILW doesn't accept your rules or talk with you guys, but hopefully you can figure something out...thats the only way I've dealt with my roomates and gotten through school. Good luck man and glad you got to vent
 

bubby01

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Put your foot down. Tell your wife you are miserable living in these conditions
and either BILW go or you do. Trust me, being nice and trying to look the other with overbearing inlaws will get you nowhere. Sounds to me like BILW
is emotionally extorting your wife. Call BILW bluff and let what happens happen. It is up to your BIL to man up and tell his wife to behave properly,
and if he doesn't, its no fault of yours. Whew! Not trying to offend you
I just hate to see a man go through this kinda thing. Best o luck.
 

mindbinge

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no advice for you since you didn't ask for it, but I will say...you are a better person that I am my friend. Good luck with it whatever you end up doing.
 

Jaybo374

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Thanks to everyone for your understanding and advice on this matter.

Today was my BIL's birthday. My wife, daughter, and mother in law asked BILW if she is doing anything special. She said that she had nothing planned. We had his favorite dinner planned, cake and presents and tried to cajole BILW into pitching in either time or money or both. She declined. When I brought the steaks in from the grill, the two of them were on their way out the door - to go out for dinner. They still have not come back yet. So we have unopened presents on the table, birthday cake with unlit candles in the fridge and a confused 6 year old who finally fell alseep after being upset over this for three hours.

She started a job in March as a library aide in the local vocational school. Today she also announced that she is working this summer in the office of the summer school that I will be working at in a couple of weeks.

They are here for an open-ended stay. My wife and I frequently go for long walks up the back 100 acre hill and talk primarily about this situation. She is as frustrated as I am.

My wife and I came to an agreement. We are going to try to have another child beginning in the fall. Once she is pregnant, they will be leaving. This way my mother in law can have her room back and we can set up a nursery in mom's current room. We agreed that living in a house full of stress is not an optimal environment for neither the mother nor the child.

Thanks for listening. This really is helping me deal with this.

Jay
 

Jaybo374

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Ahh someone who I can somewhat relate to! My in-laws live up the driveway from me and they drive me insane...then again, my wife and her two kisd get on my nerves just as much if not more than her parents do. We are constantly going up to their house to eat and it's a very rare occasion that we have dinner at our own house. I hate going up there to eat because all they do is pick and nag about every little thing they can. I feel trapped when I am here, I haven't seen my family in months and my wife and her entire family could care less how homesick I am. She can pay for two trips a year to go to Disney World, but can't seem to find the time/money to drive 6 hours to see MY family; even though we see hers on a daily basis. I have decided that once this last trip to Disney is over in a couple of weeks, I am moving back to Texas by myself. I shouldn't have to fight to see my own family/friends. It's not fair to me when she gets to see hers all the time and I hardly ever do...so, back to Texas I go...not soon enough.....

Sorry not really any advice but seems like we are both frustrated, lol.

Sorry to hear that this is the only way out for you. It does seem lousy that Disney World is more important that family.
 

rangersfan1982

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Yeah it is really unfortunate that Disney is a priority...the last time I saw my mom/brother was at my grandmother's funeral. Not the best time to spend with your family - well it is, but it's not at the same time. I guess ya do what you have to do though...

Oh, and you mentioned your wife getting pregnant..my wife told me she wanted a kid with me and then I found out she had all her stuff tied up before we were even married and she had no intentions of having more kids. Another big reason I want out - I feel I deserve the chance to be in a delivery room at least once in my life...sorry for hijacking your thread.
 

Jaybo374

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BIL left today to go guiding for two weeks.

BILW spent most of the morning moving a bunch of stuff in my barn to make a chick "nursey". Apparently she ordered 2 dozen chicks that are to be delivered in a couple of days. She did not tell me about this until I stumbled upon it while getting my lawn mower out nor did she ask me if was all right.

She beemed about how she is going to teach my daughter about "responsibility" by having her help "auntie" raise the chickens. At that point I coul not hold my tongue. I told her that under no circumstance is my daughter doing this nor will there be any mention of the new birds. I do not want my daughter involved with this and I do not want to be made out to be the bad guy in my daughter's eyes. I then told her that if my wishes are not met she will be looking for a new place to live.

Well, that didn't go over too well. After accusing me of trying to parent her, she stormed inside the house and hid in her rooms. When I told my wife what happened, she was furious. After about an hour, my wife calmed down and actually started laughing to me thinking about the absurdity of this situation.

After a few drinks and watching the Braves beat Strasburg, I've called down consideribly.

Thanks for listening.

Jay
 
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timfsu2k

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I'm going to echo what someone else said...You are a better man than me! I might have been able to put up with that for about a week tops. One of my biggest pet peeves is ungratefulness. That, and chickens.
 

bubby01

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GREAT!!! I'm I the only one feeling a surge of testosterone here.lol
You gotta let people like your BILW know just how you feel about them
or they will treat you like a doormatt. Good for you Jay, you just made
my day.
 

OriolesFan8

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It amazes me how family can move in open ended and act like they own the place.

I say ask them to get an apartment - and to answer the next question, adopt out the dog / cat and have a BIG chicken dinner.

Todd
 

Jaybo374

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It amazes me how family can move in open ended and act like they own the place.

I say ask them to get an apartment - and to answer the next question, adopt out the dog / cat and have a BIG chicken dinner.

Todd

As much as I think that is a great idea, I know that I'll be sleeping on the couch for many months if they have to adopt out the pets.

As for the chickens - do you use chicks or fully grown chickens to make Buffalo wings?

Thanks for listening.
 
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